In the end, I walked out of the medical and psychiatric doctors’ offices with, sleeping pills, a new dose of my antidepressants and two week break from school and training to adjust to them. Dr. Mahama however mandated I have sessions with her every day for the time being to make sure that I was okay. With the pills’ help, I slept for a solid fourteen hours straight without what I’d seen haunting me…
The next few days were kind of a hellish blur as my brain adapted to the new cocktail of pills I’d been given. It was pretty damn unpleasant, but at least I could sleep in peace. Since I spent most of it at home as I didn’t have the brains to go out and do anything, the others came to me; Kenzie, Victoria, Chuan, even Jesse and Stan. I only left when Artillery came by my house to pick me up. Apparently it was time to pay our respect to Simon… I went along with her.
Simon’s wake was a simple affair, held at his house. He didn’t have any family, having been raised in foster homes, so the only guest at the funerals were members of the Guardians and a few DDA personnel who knew him. I didn’t know how it had happened, but rather than be left open for people to pay their respect…
As I didn’t know what to say, I stayed away from the others, just watching. I’d never experienced loss before, not even for a grandparent or a pet. I don’t know if it’s normal, but I didn’t really feel sad; just completely hollow. It was like nothing was real anymore… I just wanted to wake up and have everything go back to how it was…
As I sat on one of the faraway couch, a gray tabby cat came up to me, patting me with his hand and letting out a concerned mewing, looking like it was looking for something… for someone…
“I’m sorry, buddy.” I muttered before picking it up and setting it down on my lap.
“How are you doing?” Kimberly asked, coming up to me. Like everyone else, she was in civilian gears. The bags under her eyes told me she wasn’t sleeping.
“I’m okay…” I said, focusing on the feeling of Simon’s cat’s fur between my fingers. “Just a little dazed from my new meds.”
“And about Simon?”
“I don’t know, I didn’t really know him…” I said, staring down at the ground, recalling the few times I’d seen him. “What about you?”
“I’m handling it…” She sighed.
“Any progress?”
“Not yet.” She sighed. “About the Kaiju attack… How have you been handling it?”
“I knew things were bad, but seeing it in person is something different… And I only saw things from the medbay…”
“This world, it isn’t what it’s hyped up to be…” She said putting a hand on my shoulder “The people in charge they’ve spun it in a way that make it sound glorious and appealing, but the reality is that we’re soldiers in a war we’re losing, the heroism is just the training for the real fight…”
I just stared at the ground, turning her words back and forth in my head.
“Paige?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you still want to be a young guardian?”
“If I’m not, I’ll go to juvie…”
“And what if you didn’t? I’ve been at this for a long time, I have important people who owe me some favors… I might be able to get you a pardon. You could leave with a clean slate.”
“You could?”
“It’s not entirely certain, but I believe so. Is that what you want?”
I opened my mouth as if to speak, but nothing came out. What did I want? For years being a guardian had been my dream, but now I didn’t know… And yet, I didn’t know what I would do without the guardian program either…
“I… I don’t know…”
“The offer still stand. Take your time and think about it.” She came closer and kissed my scalp.
“Thank you. I know you don’t have to do this, and yet you do so I really appreciate it.”
“I guess I’ve grown attached to you Paige. Training you, helping you with your problems and seeing you grow up these last few months has given me a bit of a new sense of purpose.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore, but without you and the guardians I know I wouldn’t have anything…”
We sat in silence for a moment until Kimberly was called away. Even though I tried to think her offer over, I couldn’t make a decision. What did I even want out of life? The rest of the wake became a blur; people came and went, I forced myself to eat some of the food that had been offered. All until kickback came back to my side.
“Alright, the funeral people are about to take the urn away for storage. Why don’t I drive you home?”
“What about the burial?”
“With how frozen the ground is, it’ll have wait until summer.”
I nodded and took the cat off my legs. “What will happen to Simon’s cat?”
“I don’t know. We haven’t discussed it yet…”
“Maybe I could handle it for now?”
“I don’t see why not.”
We looked around and quickly found a carrier for it as well as some supplies. Simon’s house was spartanly furnished for a human, but when it came to his cat, he was fully equipped we only took the basics for now. Kenzie opted to came home with me and Kimberly drove us both to my house, stopping by a pet shop to grab some more stuff. Kimberly opted to stay in the car while Kenzie and I carried the stuff we’d gotten upstairs. When I came in, my mom was busy making the dishes. She turned around and saw me.
“Hey Paige how was—” She stopped as her eyes settled on the carrier. “Oh my god!” She snapped; she had that authoritarian tone to her voice. “What is that?” She asked, crossing her arms and looking serious. “Paige Louise Flores you know the rules concerning animals in this house.”
“I’m just taking care of it for a few days, mom. It’ll stay in my room. Please…”
“Where did you even get it?”
“It was Simon’s —one of the guardians— cat… He died during the battle…”
“Oh…” Her expression softened and she came forward wrapping her arms around me. “You can take care of the cat for a while, but I don’t want to see it roaming around the apartment.”
“Yes mom.”
I brought the cat into my room and put the stuff down with a little help from Kenzie. Admittedly it made my room cramper than cramped, but I didn’t mind. I let the cat go and it shyly explored my tiny room. After a while I picked it up and put it on my laps.
“Do you even have a name?” I asked the cat. It had a collar but it didn’t have a name on it..
“It’s Ashes.” Kenzie said. “Simon would often talk about his cat on patrol…”
“Well, hello Ashes, I’m Paige. I’m going to be taking care of you for a while.”
“Hey, are you alright?” Kenzie asked, coming up and sitting on the bed next to me. “Why did you take him if you knew your mom wouldn’t approve?”
“I don’t know… I guess I just needed to think about something else… Anything else than Simon, Kurt or the Guardians…” Kenzie hugged me briefly before letting go.
“I have something that might help you with that…” She opened her bag and showed me a pair of plane tickets, setting on in my hand. “We talked about you going home with me before, but the day of departure is almost here. Are you still up for it?”
“Of course. There’s nothing more that I want than to go home with you and have our first vacation together” She hobbled closer on the bed and wrapped her arms around me. She had that big gorgeous smile of hers shining with all its might. “I’d have to get permission first though.”
“I already did.” She took out another piece of paper and gave it to me. I quickly looked at it and saw that it was a permission slip signed by Kickback authorizing me to leave for a week. “Since you’re on medical leave, it wasn’t too hard to convince Kickback to accept, although Dr. Mahama wants you to still have daily sessions with her by video conference.”
“That I can do. When do we leave?”
“In five days.”
“Can’t wait.”
Kali Writes 